From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994

In case anyone has od’ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

No team flights on Continental Airlines.

Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.

Make it legal to cork their pants.

Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.

No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]

Two words: Streisand tickets.

Every team has to have at least one player named “Mookie”.

Plenty of dugout Slimfast.

Put an on-deck circle in Madonna’s bed.

More games against the Mets.

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If you holler “overs!” before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the “overs”.

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule “First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game”, and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can’t make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the “Designated Bowler” rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say “Kings X” and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, “Fair is Fair”.

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That’s much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball – Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

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Snowboarding Lessons

When you’re 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: “Just because you’ve reached middle age, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it.”

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. “I’ll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets” is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, “Cool.”

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if you’re OK, you say, “I’m just catching my breath!” in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you’re going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you’re planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought I’d take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can’t stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It’s a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who’s going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

Step One: Watching Brad do something.

Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.

I’d struggle to my feet, and I’d be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

“Keep your knees bent!” Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, “Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!”

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadn’t gotten out of there, they’d have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I’ll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you’ll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

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Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt

Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

Escape from Dojo

The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.

Sleeper Stance

Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.

Sigh of Wisdom

Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.

Crossing Fingers

A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.

Gift of Instruction

The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.

Seeing Without Seeing

The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.

Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)

Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.

Mugger’s Defense

Offering to lighten the student’s wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.

Sensei’s Downfall

Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).

Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.

Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.

Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.

Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).

Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).

Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.

Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.

Must be able to sing Karaoke.

Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide…)

Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).

Must have completed a course in “Basic Samurai Sushi”.

Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.

Must be able to use an opponent’s skill as a reason for defeat.

Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.

Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note:

Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

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Top Ten Signs you’re Not Watching a Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

They keep shouting “Do over!”

When umpire yells, “Strike 3!” batter looks at him as if the dude’s speaking French.

Try as they might, they just can’t scratch themselves like professionals.

First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts “Dinner time!”

Players constantly adjusting each other’s cups.

You overheard the coach yelling, “Run, Forrest, run!”

They play like the Mets

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Murphy’s Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you’re up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker’s father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it’s your turn.

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Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who’s driving?
A: The police.

Q: Why can’t Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on “grass.”

The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new “Honor System”, Yes your Honor, No your Honor.

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

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Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car

“Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys’ minds when design their cars. THEY’RE ALL WRONG!!!!”

No door… I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!

No roof… The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.

No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player… how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.

No heating… Being left open to the elements, the drivers’ toes must become very cold after a while.

No coffee cup holder… Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.

No ashtrays and electric lighter…

No windshield wipers… and they expect them to race in the rain?

No windshields… Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.

No turn signals… How can they indicate they intend to pass?

No headlights… No wonder they only drive in the day time.

Only one brake light…

Only one seat… How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in?

No anchor for a baby seat… And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?

No trunk…

No adjustable seats… (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)

High fuel consumption…

Engines that don’t last…

Tyres that just wear off in no time flat…

Where’s the bloody ignition? I guess it’s back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.

No sun visor… Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk about accidents waiting to happen.

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The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)

Tonya Harding Presents…

Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?

Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?

Haven’t you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80′s against you?

Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the……

Tonya Harding Center For Opponent Neutralization

That’s right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.

Check out our price list:

 
Blow to the knee……………………….. $99.95

Blow to both knees (a better buy)………… $149.95

Blow to the head……………………….. $124.95

Knife in the back (tennis players only)…… $49.95

Kick in the groin (male athletes only)……. $9.95

Poking out one eye……………………… $49.95

Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)… $79.95

Gun shot to the knee……………………. $199.95

Gun shot to both knees………………….. $299.95

Gun shot to the head……………………. $499.95

Impalement in a public place…………….. $999.95

Prices subject to change without notice.

Remember, wednesdays are bonus days, order one act of violence and receive another of equal or lesser value at 50% off!

With every order over $300.00 you automatically receive a collapsible hard plastic baton personally signed by Tonya Harding herself – just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.

To order, call toll-free at 1-800-just-win

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UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM

SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION

(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient

Babylonian Empire with particular

reference to architecture, literature,

law and social conditions

-OR-

give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:

(a) build a bridge

(b) sail the ocean

(c) lead an army or

(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (please check

only one answer)

(a) Jewish

(b) Catholic

(c) Hindu

(d) Polish

(e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is

0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is

on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?

(approximately)

8. What are people in America’s far north

called?

(a) Westerners

(b) Southerners

(c) Northerners

9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called

George, the last one being George the

Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?

(a) Macy’s

(b) a 7-11

(c) Canada

(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory

of Relativity?

(a) yes

(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National

Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chatelier’s Principle of

Dynamic Equilibrium

-OR-

spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story

building located?

17. Which part of America produces the

most oranges?

(a) New York

(b) Florida

(c) Canada

(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math.

If you have three apples how many apples

do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.)

stand for?

*You must answer three or more questions
correctly to qualify*

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