the only one who thinks

Apr 24

the only one who thinks

When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can “see how many I’ll be able to fit” . . . . I can’t be the only one who thinks that Olive Garden would be so much more successful if it was named “The Garden of...

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If you need Facebook

Apr 23

If you need Facebook

If you need Facebook to remind you it’s your wife’s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch. . . . . I’m not saying not to trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I’ve won & the number I...

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Whenever somebody said

Apr 22

Whenever somebody said

Whenever somebody said they did something “Like a Boss” I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it. . . . . Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an...

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For the question

Apr 21

For the question

I failed my driver’s test. For the question “What do you do at a Red Light?” I said “Text and check Facebook.” . . . . Gas prices aren’t really that bad when you remember that you’re essentially buying badass dinosaurs in liquid...

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I just found out I passed

Apr 20

I just found out I passed

I just found out I passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do. . . . . I love a good political joke. Unless it gets elected…

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If I make you breakfast

Apr 19

If I make you breakfast

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “thank you” will suffice. None of this “how did you get in my house” business. . . . . I once worked as a doorman at a swanky hotel. It was an entry level...

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