I never actually grapsed the whole “Trick or treat” ultimatum.Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice?-Jerry...

eariler this week i went to the guy who inveted the hokey pokey’s funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in,then took his left leg out,they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out,they put his left leg in and they shook it all about,and so on and so forth until he was...

The IRS says they can’t give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don’t have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can’t find you when they owe YOU money-Jay...

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they’re out of there-Charlie...

Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.-Mitch Hedberg