From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 17, 1995 Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden’s announce booth. Trying to make one of Marv Albert’s blooper reels. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: “Winning’s no big deal.” Worried sick about...

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing...

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight? A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!! Tyson’s psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he didn’t say two! Tyson’s favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS. For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in...

After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition. Calling “heads or tails” but never getting any. . . “head” or “tail”. Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their...

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site 9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool. 8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor’s office are named either Ingrid or Sven. 7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio...

Things to do at a Bowling Alley Everytime you throw exclaim “TAKE THAT, YOU!!!” continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out. When ever a strike “X” appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy. Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand...

From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994 In case anyone has od’ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.] No team flights on Continental Airlines. Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros. Make it legal to cork their pants. Baseballs with...

If you holler “overs!” before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the “overs”. When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule “First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game”, and your team still has a...

Snowboarding Lessons When you’re 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: “Just because you’ve reached middle age, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it.” This...

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt Master of Judo Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques: Escape from Dojo The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats. Sleeper Stance Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with...